Drakmanka Writes a Silly Story: How a bunch of Alterhuman friends robbed a pizza parlor

It was my fourth week at my new job, and I felt like I was really starting to get the hang of this. I really couldn't complain, this was a pretty easy job and the pay was great. "A Slice in Time" Pizza Parlor was a silly name, but I'm not going to go around criticizing my boss. Besides, I was getting to work in the cutting edge! I mean, sure, I'm working for a pizza parlor, but... it's a pizza parlor in space! In fact, the first restaurant to open on the first space station built in orbit of a planet outside humanity's home solar system! I'm going places, literally.

I moved out here just as soon as I could save up the money. Things got weird back on Earth, ever since that alien energy beam hit the planet and a whole bunch of people turned into animals and mythological creatures. Most of them seemed to like it, don't ask me why, but it also just made life back home totally chaotic. Especially with my childhood friend and next-door neighbor suddenly turning into a centaur. That does things to you. So, I bought a one-way ticket on the cheapest space-liner I was reasonably sure wouldn't blow up during liftoff, and here I am, 5 lightyears from Earth and far away from all the unicorns, werewolves, dragons, and sentient cats, dogs, and other fauna.

Like I said, I felt like I was getting the hang of things. This wasn't just an ordinary pizza parlor in space. We were most famous for the speed of service. The pizza oven here was, in a word, unusual. How my job worked was that I would take a customer's order, and once I knew exactly what they wanted all I had to do was open the oven and there was the requested pizza. Hot, fresh, and smelling wonderful. That was the hardest part to get used to, working in a pizza parlor: the smell. If you missed breakfast before your shift, you'd be feeling it.

One thing I hadn't figured out yet was what the owner called "The Pizza Vault". I wasn't permitted inside. It was an actual vault, as far as I could tell, with a combination code on the wall beside it and everything. The door was painted to look like a pepperoni pizza. I had seen it open, once. The thing retracted slice by slice into the wall. It would have been surreal if it wasn't so cool. And this wonderful pizza smell wafted out. I do wonder what exactly is in there, but for now I'll be content manning the front of the store.

Or at least, I thought I'd be content.

It started when the front door suddenly opened of its own accord and a huge flock of birds came running in. Strange little creatures. Quite round, and with what looked for all the world to be little question-marks attached to their heads that bobbed as they walked. There must have been a hundred of them. I was about to start shooing them out when more creatures showed up, and I realized that the things I had fled Earth to get away from had finally followed me out into the depths of space.

A group of beings I could only describe as dragons flooded in through the doors. I'm still not sure how the larger ones fit, but that's beside the point. They suddenly crowded in and the furry, bipedal one started shouting about pizza and robbery. Now, pizza makes sense, but "robbery" immediately had me on edge.

Before I could do much more than remember to shut my mouth that had fallen open, more chaos descended. I thought there had been a lot of birds in here before. Now a huge flock of ducks (ducks!) came swarming in, flapping or waddling around the crowd of dragons, and quacking so loudly they actually drowned out the fluffy one who was still yelling at me and waving his arms and wings in the air.

Following on the heels of the ducks were two more furry, bipedal beings whom I immediately recognized as werewolves in their anthropomorphic form. One of them began berating one of the larger dragons over the way they were looking at the smaller question-mark birds. Something about... holiness? I'm still not sure, as the talkative dragon was still yelling at me about pizza and "this is a stickup!"

It was then that I noticed that there was another being who seemed to have entered at the same time as the rest. I could only describe this one as a ball of energy, and whatever it was doing was confusing the heck out of me. I decided to try to ignore whomever it was and hope it didn't come back to bite me later.

I finally gathered my wits enough to speak.

"I-I'm sorry, sirs and madams and... other." I stammered, knowing my face was bright red for multiple reasons. "I just work here and I can't open the safe for you..."

"Pizza! We're here for pizza!" The furry dragon was shouting again, and several dragon-voices, incomprehensible to me either because they weren't speaking English or because they were all talking at once, began to shake the plaster from the ceiling (at least, I think it's plaster; might be a facsimile. Either way, they were shaking it loose). I did at least get the impression that they were here for our pizzas, but I was still a little shaken up by the use of the terms "robbery" and "stickup".

I was just starting to get a grip on my nerves when a swarm of large, long-legged birds that reminded me quite a lot of some creatures in an old-fashioned videogame my great-grandfather had insisted on showing me from his youth. It wasn't the birds that frightened me, no, it was the reaction from one of the dragons. Suddenly she wasn't staring at me with the others, seemingly waiting for pizza to be served. No, she suddenly had turned intense and predatory and was tracking the birds. To my great alarm, given how small the space was with so many large beings in residence, she suddenly sprang and dispatched one of the birds!

I dove under the counter, my survival instincts screaming at me that I was going to be next on the menu. I hadn't liked the way the big red dragon was watching me. From above me, on the other side of the counter, I heard someone yelling about quail... is that what those question-mark birds are called?

Then a clawed hand reached down into my view and pulled me by the front of my uniform, up and over the counter, and set me standing on my feet again but now without the counter between me and my... guests. The hand's owner was a curious being. At first glance I thought he was human, like me, but then I realized that his ears were pointed and he had scales in various places. No wings though. I wasn't sure how to classify him, but at least he wasn't yelling at me.

"We would like all of your pizza." He said with a gentle tone. The rest of the group had gone silent.

"A-all...?" I wished I would stop stammering. "I'm sorry, as I said I can't open the vault..."

"That's not a problem!" A small but surprisingly insistent voice piped up. I glanced around at the group but couldn't place who was speaking. "We've got someone who can open it for you!"

My first thought at that was "I am so fired."

Then I heard a sound that reminded me of a can of Earth soda being cracked open. It brought back a rush of memories; we couldn't bring pressurized containers out here for fear of them exploding in airlocks.

Then I was pulled back to the present as a shimmering golden liquid slithered past my feet on the floor. I jumped backwards onto the counter reflexively and screamed. My inner voice immediately complained that I was acting like a comedic old woman afraid of a mouse.

"Oh don't worry, he won't bite." The furry, bipedal dragon assured me, resting a clawed hand on my shoulder and smiling a lopsided, sharp-toothed grin, as if that somehow would calm me.

I watched the strange liquid with growing fascination and horror as it approached the pizza vault and then squeezed through the invisible gaps where each painted slice came together. Around me, this strange group stood silently, watching with anticipation so thick you could cut it.

Then, to my surprise, amazement, and horror, the door opened. Standing on the other side was a man I had never seen before. He had oddly smooth features, and was wearing a self-satisfied smirk.

"Are you happy now?" He demanded of his companions.

"Heck yeah! Pizza party!" The second of the two werewolves crowed, and the entire party suddenly dove through the open vault door into the pizza vault. The wind of their passing knocked me off the counter I was still perching on.

"I am so fired." I thought to myself as I lay on the floor. I wasn't getting up until they were gone.

. . .

To my great surprise and dubious relief, not only did the party of strangers leave without bothering me again, but I didn't even lose my job! My boss remarked that he would need to install better security measures, but promised me that I was not at fault over what happened.

That was a week ago, and it's finally started to feel like a story I'll be able to tell my friends over a round and get some laughs.

Oh no, are those quail?